Realizing I haven’t mourned “properly”.
This month has been nothing short of eventful in our household. From colds on colds, to our kitty Zo becoming incredibly ill.. I think that was my breaking point. I realized that while crying hysterically over my cat that means so much to me… I haven’t truly mourned or dealt with the grief of my mothers passing 2015 properly.
If you haven’t already read my post about Becoming A Mother Without A Mother, I go over my mothers passing in 2015. She passed away from metastasized cancer. We got our beautiful rescue previously named Angel & brought her home a couple weeks after my mother passed away & renamed her Zoe (Zo). I didn’t feel a connection to my mum with her right away. I just knew I was excited to have another addition to our little family before we became real parents!
Zo is timid & shy but with my husband & I she is really really affectionate and loves to cuddle with us and is just really comforting with her purs. She’s never bites or scratches unless she thinks we’re taking her outside. She’s terrified and will accidentally scratch when she’s trying to get away.
I didn’t truly believe something was different about Zo until the way she started to look at me. (I know this probably sounds crazy) the two bottom photos in the gallery are of her looking at me and the one on the right is her laying on my mothers cancer pillow while she went through chemo. I believe a piece of my mum’s spirit went into Zoe & that’s why I never truly mourned, because my heart believes she’s still here with me. I’m aware this isn’t technically “healthy” & I noticed when I was crying the other day that I hadn’t cried like this since my mum’s passing June 23rd, 2015. I was 21 at the time and was so caught up in the legal side of things since I was the only one putting her will together, the funeral/cremation arrangements & gutting out her apparment. At 21 I shouldn’t have had to do that. I didn’t feel that I had the support system that I needed so desperately from my own family but I am so thankful to have had it from my husbands side of the family. I’m forever grateful for that man coming into my life. I swear.
Coming to this realization I’m glad I can’t take a step back & admit that to myself to get the proper tools to grieve my mothers passing properly. Whatever way that may be. It may be in a couple years, a couple months who knows. I just felt the need to share that everyone grieves differently over death, especially a family member.